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4. The Present................
Well back to work I went, on a part-time basis, I have to confess my employers Iceland were very understanding and accommodating which made things a lot easier. I don't know why I went back to work because to this day I know I went back too soon. I do think that I went back to work because of my financial situation, since coming out of hospital my bills were getting out of control and I was finding it hard to keep my head above water. I just couldn't keep my bank balance in the black and my sick pay was running out - the wrong reason to go back to work, I know but the honest reason all the same. Some people say your health comes first, not me, not when you've got bills to pay - the philosophy according to a dafty like me !!
On returning to work I decided to try for Disability Living allowance, elementary I thought, but as a lot of you will know it's not so easy.
Meanwhile back at the shop it was proving very difficult, but the bonus was I was meeting people and talking to people again, not just sitting behind my four walls alone getting depressed. That is one thing that has changed with me for those who have known me for years, I always loved my own company, but now I am pining for company. I'm a bit confused about my sudden change. I wanted to go out but I was always so conscious of my tremor and people watching me I wouldn't go out.
I got knocked back for DLA but reapplied after a lot of hassle from family and friends, so reapply I did.
I was still going through severe mood swings, work wasn't helping me much either, the shop I am manager of is a very fast moving store with things happening all the time, your always on the go working from 7 am to 7 pm - it was proving too much for me. There were times I locked myself in the office and just cried, yes I was still at it. You'd think they would have dried up by now. Work in Galashiels was proving very difficult, I had a major problem to face, after 13 years working what could I do .....
It was a problem that didn't help my sleep pattern much, whatever that was? It also didn't help my walking much as I found my left leg dragging severely. I was having great difficulty in walking. In October I had a week's holiday and discovered I hated holidays from work. I just got depressed and lonely, but I had a visit from a doctor through my holiday to see if I was entitled to DLA. I went through hell on that visit, bet you cannae guess what I did, yes my trear ducts started again, especially when I spoke about what I could do before but couldn't do anymore. I never realised my life had changed as much in such a short time, but bloody change it did.
Also during my holiday I attended my first YAPP&R's meeting in Edinburgh, brilliant I was finally meeting folk with the same problem as myself. Helen asked if I minded talking to the group about my operation - no problem. I must admit I think I used a few too many swear words in my talk, for that I b.........y apologise. But yes I had a great day. I even won a motorbike in the raffle - what a day. Yes, I was on a high, but I forgot what they say about what goes up ............
Yes soon I plumetted again, but I had made contact with folk frae the Glesga area, Robert, Louise and Ann. They stay not far from Jeff and Karen so on my next visit there we met in the pub for a bit of lubrication. It was a great night. Jeff thoroughly enjoyed meeting folk with a similar problem to me. Jeff is the opposite of me he wants to learn as much as possible - me I don't want to know ......... I don't know why ......... but I don't.
On return to work after my holidays I made a decision to meet my boss. I arranged to meet Stewart Dyson, my Area Manager, in the pub after work. I confessed my concern about not being able to do the job anymore - you know what comes next, crying in the pub. I was worried my employers would drop me like a hot potato after my confession but I couldn't be further from the truth. Stewart said he would help me as much as possible but he couldn't do anything before Christmas.
Roll on the New Year !!!
After my talk with my boss we had our Annual Managers' Conference in Birmingham. In the afternoon I was presented with a holiday for two in Florida - Florida by golly !!! For what I had gone through. I felt really guilty taking the holiday, especially after my confession that I couldn't do the job anymore but I kept getting told it was for what I had gone through not what I'm doing now.
What a Brucie Bonus.......
I was starting to get more bad days than good days .......... I put this down to my working environment and the stress I was putting myself under. I was finding it hard to walk, my tremor was coming back more often and I was depressed. I honestly believe I was near to a nervous breakdown, but battle on I would, why? because it paid the bills. I was now starting to clear my debts 8 months on and was finally beginning to get my head above water, so what does the future hold ...........
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